I’m a simple man. I see a pretty woman, and I react accordingly. No, not with cat calls or other inappropriate comments, but there’s something about beautiful people that can have a healing quality. I know I’ve encountered women in my day-to-day that have changed the day’s trajectory from negative to positive just by a smile. Not that I’m suggesting you should go around telling women to smile more, because I hear they find it aggravating (though it’s not strictly a female issue, as my brother has been told this on multiple occasions by strangers). It’s just that physical attraction is an undeniable reality.
As most people with a pulse could recognize, music videos often feature attractive women in them. Naturally, I have tended to pick up a crush on some of these women. I thought it would be fun to point out a selection of those who, unbeknownst to them, had me wrapped around their finger from the other end of the TV screen. Of course, I’m not saying a woman’s physical beauty is where all her self-worth should be placed or anything like that, so this is meant to be light-hearted. If judging people solely on there looks bothers you, go ahead and skip this entry. I’m not much of a trigger warning giver, but I’ll put that in there as a courtesy.
When constructing this list, I opted to put a few ground rules in place:
1) She Can’t Be One of the Featured Performers (i.e. in the band)
This could make the list nearly endless. Seeing a woman perform music that connects to me instantly makes her even more attractive. The Paz Lenchicians, Edie Brickells, and Emma Swifts out there are adorable, but now is not their time.
2) I need to have video evidence.
One of my inclusions could very well serving as a placeholder for the Matthew Good Band’s “Apparitions” video. I remember the woman in the video being quite attractive, but the music video has been seemingly scrubbed from the internet. The years have faded most of my memory of the woman or even what the video was about, but the song remains as strong as I remember it.
3) The video cannot be over-populated with women.
Seriously, do you think throwing a Ratt video into the mix is at all fair to the competition? I mean, you could literally throw a dart into the crowd, and you wouldn’t need to be Simon ‘The Wizard’ Whitlock to strike a Playmate of the Month candidate.
Here’s six seemingly random women from music videos that have stood out to me over the years.
Snow White (from Rammstein’s “Sonne”)
Most people will point to “Du Hast” as the song that converted them to Rammstein fans, but for me it’s the dark, brooding “Sonne”. Did this video help in the song’s winning me over? It certainly didn’t hurt, let me tell you!
The woman’s portrayal in this video could fall under a number of fetish categorizations. It showcases just about everything a guy (or at least this guy) could dream about. Being Snow White, you’ve got the cosplay element, and seeing as her punishment of choice for unruly dwarfs is the spanking, you’ve got a dominatrix angle. Does the fact she’s playing the role of a princess make the pain more tolerable? Let’s just say that I’m pretty sure I saw Dopey go back for seconds. I don’t think I’m legitimately into the S&M brand of “tough love” (or tough lust, more accurately), but her bad-touch is on the more mild side of that spectrum. Or so I imagine.
That’s not all she has going for her. I’m a short man, and here we have a taller woman (at least compared to a more diminutive than normal Rammstein) with legs for days. It’s not that I prefer women to be taller than me, it’s just that around half of them happen to be so. That’s my reality, so I may as well embrace it. A woman who isn’t that interested in you in spite of your care and hard work has appeal to those who like it when a girl plays hard to get. With her, I think I’d have seen enough to know I should give up the chase. On the other hand, she still seems more approachable than Princess Jasmine.
On the other side of the coin, she’s the perfect example of why a man shouldn’t be thinking with his (ahem!) manhood alone, because she is a witch witch a capital B. Look no further than the smiles on the dwarfs’ faces, which are about as scarce as a Honus Wagner baseball card. Surprisingly, their expressions didn’t change much after her death. That has to say something about this woman’s positive impact on their lives, right? The only other explanations I can fathom are that Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t erode instantaneously, or that it won’t have been the first time she’s spoiled a perfectly good funeral by selfishly coming back to life.
The Quirky Redhead (from Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High”)
Would you just look at that! If her smile wouldn’t brighten your day, then you may want to reevaluate your life. At the very least, a flip through The Big Book of British Smiles may give you a proper frame of reference.
I don’t have much to point out about Tal Bachman himself. He’s the son of The Guess Who / Bachman-Turner Overdrive guitarist Randy Bachman. He has two solo albums to his credit as well as a number of other singles. While some may have been merely “Strong Enough” (pats self on back), none seem to be as infectiously catchy as “She’s So High”. That’s my humble opinion, but as Levar Burton says, you don’t have to take my word for it.
The idea that opposites attract is a common one, and I definitely see notable differences between me and this woman. Perhaps of most relevance to her character, she’s totally fearless. Not afraid of heights, not afraid of death, and not at all nervous performing in front of an audience. I’m not exactly afraid of heights, but I’ll likely never bungee jump or skydive. I also left curly straws behind in childhood, and the only wings I have on my back are two clumps of hair I dislocate my shoulder on a monthly basis attempting to shave, but those are minor details.
Being more of an introvert than an extrovert, I may need to be at least eight pints of beer deep to stand before a crowd to do something as reckless as tightrope cup diving. She’s quite clearly a free spirit who may not think of the consequences of her actions. Never mind her own safety, she also thinks little of the safety of those around her. How can you explain away sending that little girl soaring skyward with those helium balloons?
She may be my biggest crush on the list, so I’ve thought long and hard of what a good first date would be. No matter what life-flashing-before-my-eyes turn the evening would inevitably pull us towards, I can’t help but think if she’d really be worth it. It may be best for both of us if I admire her from afar. Call off the dogs, it’s more innocent than it sounds since that also technically applies to Auston Matthews, Bob Odenkirk, and the guy who fills the vending machine at work.
I’ve lucked out with this girl, as she’s an established talent by the name of Yvonne Scio with an extensive acting background. Those Boy Meets World and The Nanny DVD box sets I passed up literally every time I’ve come across them may have some value to me after all.
The Clown (from Depeche Mode’s “Halo”)
No, I’m not talking about Martin Gore, though without him there would be no song to base the video around. I refer you to his cute friend.
Some of you may think that I’m weird for this choice. First off, why am I looking past the two card girls entirely (the taller of which is Jenna Elfman, who’d go on to star in the sitcom Dharma and Greg).? No thank you. Too obvious. I sometimes like to pursue women like I pursue music, by looking in unexpected places. If playing hard to get is considered a strong flirtation tactic, then what harder way to play it than by masking yourself in creepy facepaint and M.C. Hammer pants?
She’s a clown, for crying out loud! Clowns are pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel. More fitting of the sideshow than the main tent. More of a cruel joke than a comedian. A clown could make me a 1:1 scale, fully-functional model of the Battlestar Galactica out of balloons, and I’d still want to punch him square in the jaw. Yes, I know that I said “him”. Gender neutrality has no place in that particular sentence.
So what it is about this woman? Makeup tends to be used by woman to accentuate their strengths or mask their weaknesses. How could I make sense out of any of this with regards to this woman? I’ll chalk it up to instinct. There is a notorious app (MakeApp) that when given a photo, it approximates what a woman looks like when she isn’t wearing makeup. I think I can do a pretty good job of seeing past makeup, and can make far less negative press doing so. In the clown’s case, I can at least spot under all that white paint what appear to be authentic eyebrows. That’s an underrated thing today, a breath of fresh air after left-swiping my share of botched Sharpie-jobs on Tinder.
The IMDB credits for this video leave this actress off the list, and the corresponding YouTube comments section also lacked this vital piece of information. To anyone with knowledge of who this clown is, please update the IMDB page first, then get me up to speed. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.
Christie Brinkley (from Billy Joel music videos)
Without question, this is the most obvious inclusion on the list. Christie Brinkley was a massively popular supermodel in the 70s and 80s, but I mention her since she was one of the first supermodels I was exposed to. Thinking of her reminds me of a more innocent time in my life, when the lingerie section of the Sears catalog was as good as it got. Then I’d remember it had a toy section, and forget all about the opposite sex until well after Christmas.
Looking retrospectively, there’s something about her that seems different from other models I’m familiar with. She still maintained a bit of a girl next door vibe, which is a quality many of the runway models of the 90s and onward seemed to lack. If there was ever a model that seemed approachable, Brinkley was the one. That could also partly explain the fact she has four ex-husbands, but correlation doesn’t always indicate causation, or however that expression goes.
I couldn’t even tell you exactly how many of Billy Joel’s videos Christie Brinkley appears in. There’s “Keeping The Faith”, which features her in a red wig, and “A Matter Of Trust” showing her cradling daughter Alexa Ray in her arms, but the one that stands out to me and is probably remembered by most is “Uptown Girl”. The basic plot of this video is that Brinkley’s character is being showered with affection and being put on a pedestal by her grease monkey boyfriend (Joel), who is backed up by an unexpectedly effeminate chorus of mechanic coworkers. While a number of his videos were staples on 80’s television, it isn’t difficult to see why that’s the case.
The man was a hit-maker, and he had a beautiful wife that drew the eyes of men across the globe. This duo was likely the Branjelina of its day, albeit with about 45% less media coverage and easily a 99.8% less annoying nickname. Yes, Billistie was truly a force to be reckoned with. However, I must let it be known that Brinkley contributed more than looks to her husband’s career. Her painting rightfully rests on the cover of River of Dreams, which is sadly Joel’s most recent pop album.
There are plenty of sources that point to the original inspiration of “Uptown Girl” was actually another model Joel dated, Elle Macpherson. How would the video had turned out if ‘The Body’ was the leading lady? I don’t want to think about it. Did Elle nearly convince me to buy a Total Gym? No, she didn’t. Actually, Chuck Norris has an equal part in that sales-pitch. He also sold me on the fact you don’t need a coherent plot or even passable acting to make captivating cinema.
The Sad Girl (from Tonic’s “If You Could Only See”)
Much like with Tal Bachman, this is the only Tonic song that I ever had much exposure to. In fact, it still gets enough play on local rock radio that I’d swear they were beneficiaries of the Canadian Content rule. Rather, Tonic are a Los Angeles-based band, so I cannot claim some sort of loose patriotic association to the band, which is our civic duty if you’d ask our national entertainment media or my mother. Perfectly reasonable behaviour, yet ask someone from Vancouver if they know Bill from Moncton, and you’ll learn quickly about the myth that is Canadian politeness.
I can’t begin to tell you what the plot of this music video is. Half the time, the director runs with a concept that has little to do with the theme of the song. There could very well be a reason for her dourness, making it extremely insensitive to poke at. I won’t concern myself at this stage. My attraction knows no bounds. I can’t be the only human who has ever had an impure thought at church.
So what is it that makes this gal list-worthy? Many of her characteristics are things that initially had me questioning her inclusion. First off, she’s got that flat hair look going on like she just got out of the shower and didn’t dry off. Not a big problem, really. I don’t always have good hair days, so why expect differently of someone from the opposite sex? Secondly, she seems a bit on the pale side. Then again, so am I. Besides, I once had a minor attraction to Morticia Addams from The Addams Family movies, so pale, schmale!!
Most glaring of all, she’s not the happiest of campers. It’s hard for me to explain, but there’s something about her overall look that tells me that she wouldn’t like me. The screen capture I used above is what I think would be an accurate expression on her and I were in a room alone together, even if said room was a waiting room for a puppy petting zoo, and I treated her to free admission. That’s how bad I think she’d want nothing to do with me. George Constanza once stated about a woman “She just dislikes me so much… it’s irresistable.” That’s the most straightforward explanation I can think up regarding this woman.
But what if her demeanor has nothing to do with me? I would still need an icebreaker, wouldn’t I? So how would I break through to a woman who is so morose? Perhaps I could hypothetically embrace the darkness, and get to her on that level. I love to bond with people over music, so could a mix-tape of The Smiths, The Cure, The Sisters of Mercy, and Peter Murphy (if only to give the “The” bands thing a rest) spark her interest? Hopefully. If not, maybe she didn’t hear that cassettes are making a comeback.
The Prom Date (from Korn’s “Thoughtless”)
I was a Korn fan as a teenager, though I admit I never gave them many listens post-Issues. I always found this tune catchy without bothering to listen to any other track on the Untouchables album. Anyway, on to the girl.
The picture above says it all. It’s rare to find a woman who’s into metal, and this one is totally embracing it. It may be that she’s only doing so because she’s in a metal music video, but a man can dream. If she were featured in a gangsta rap video, her hand gestures would likely have been very different, and if it she were in a world-famous Korean pop video, she would have Gangnam Styled it up as much as the next person who cringingly hopped on that trend.
It must eat this woman up inside that she can’t use the “eyes up here, pal” line on anybody caught with their head tilted chestward. If that doesn’t amuse her, she could have went with another form-fitting bodysuit. Not a flesh-coloured one, mind you, if only to milk out another Costanza reference. Considering the woman (Aimee Sweet) was a real-life Penthouse model portraying a hired escort, then she was probably accustomed to being instructed on what to wear (or not wear). Because of that peculiar outfit, I didn’t even think of her as an escort until my most recent watch of the “Thoughtless” video. I always just viewed her as some sort of demon chick, as if she was one of those very human-like boils on his skin that found a way out.
I can relate to the character Aaron Paul is portraying. I wasn’t very popular in school, I was scrawny and weak compared to many of my jock classmates (and they weren’t even in their mid-20s like the blokes in the video) and I’ve made a spectacle of myself throwing up at a party on more than one occasion. I was never attacked on a level of bullying that approached his, nor did I share many of the Columbine shooters’ interests, whom were the apparent inspiration for the song. Still, the beauty of art is that the audience may often walk away with a unique interpretation. Well, maybe not that unique. To varying degrees, we’re ALL Jesse Pinkman.
Admittedly, there isn’t much depth to this prom escort character. She’s basically playing the role of hype-man or a wing-woman, laughing at the crowd’s great disgust over vomit, out of all things to be shocked about in an environment were underage drinking is as certain as matching Harry and Lloyd tuxes. In spite of it all, just look at the pride the self-proclaimed prom king displays knowing that she’s walking in with him. That’s the type of look that any guy would love to have plastered on their face. All I’m looking for is a woman who’ll make me feel like a million bucks. The actress herself is secondary.
When you’re down in the dumps, a good woman can lift your confidence, and that’s what I want to take away from this video. Even if I’ve missed the point entirely.
—
That’s all I’ve got for this one. To balance the scales so to speak, I’ve considered doing a follow-up post about guy crushes, but it may come across as insincere. Is it at all possible to write from such a significantly different perspective than mine?
I don’t know, you tell me. Do the ladies still pine for Mark McGrath?
Armchair Maestro 